I need to leave the city....

I have been thinking alot about the past recently. I think it started with a scout group girl coming up to me at refreshers faire at Uni. It rekindled my love of the outside. I miss climbing trees and camping. I think im sort of waiting for the summer. I know i need to arrange work experiance for it, but im waiting to be able to wear shorts and t shirts out and not be freezing my balls off. Im waiting for some hastily arranged dusk kick arounds.

This is the worst time of year for many people i think. Its not winter, and its not summer. The weather changes every two seconds. Im lacking a consistancy i need in my life.

Watching "40 days of riot", the Paramore documentary, i saw them just hanging out and being outside. As much as i am envious of them for being able to play music for a living, being able to write music like that etc etc, all i could think of in that documentary was "i really want it to be summer so i can chill with my friends back home." You dont seem to get the same friendships at uni as you do back home. Well, i dont, others seem to.

Im not so much feeling lonely as i am feeling i want something more. I am really missing my ex at the minute. I know ive said things like this alot, but im really missing the hugs. She always said that she felt safe in my arms like i was protecting her, but i guess she was protecting me. Like a little brown haired riot shield. Poetic, i know. We have been getting on well and are meeting up soon, but i think im foolish to expect anything to come from it soon or ever. Sometimes i get the feeling she still has feelings for me. I know she cares, but sometimes i feel theres more. Other times, like now, im thinking im seeing what i want to see and not what is there. I dont want to sacrifice the pleasantries and nice talks we are having by getting pissy about it. I just thought then, but are we having good talks? Does simply talking after a time of non-communication count as good talks or just being civil? I dont know, she responds with x's and she responded with a smiley face when i said "see you my friend" last time we spoke. Then again, maybe the smiley was to confirm, we are just friends. God, i want to be more than that again. One chance is all i need. But i cant expect her to force herself to try with me again untill she has those feelings, if she ever does, and it was a ball buster to get her to go out with me the first time. I just feel im at the position at the minute that there is no one else to replace her in my life. No one has quite measured up to her in the ways of caring for me, for me, not for them. Others have seen me more as a rock than a partner, and im not comfortable being in a relationship where one person is taking from me, more than they are giving me.

Oddly, at this time of feeling that way about one thing, ive felt really comfortable with my friends at uni. Too comfortable in my opinion, but its feeling good.

Now Playing: Paramore- Looking up